dear wordpress

my new blog site is www.zeinasamy.wordpress.com
toodles :)!

dear normality

it's been awhile since i've blogged, so this one is going to be a bit different.

sometimes when something happens to you, the best thing you can do is be brutally honest about it. just say how you feel. you have to be careful of what you say, make sure the way you feel is how you'll always feel. make sure you don't regret anything you say or do. people will always hold things against you.

anyway my last few posts have been pretty emo, but it's safe to say i feel much much better :D people have been flying in from everywhere and it just feels good to have all my friends back. not only that but everything is falling into place. i somehow always knew they would, life is like a rollercoaster, everything goes up and down. i'm not saying i'll never feel upset again, but i'm saying that even if you're upset for a long time, you'll always come out of it eventually.

and with that i say good night.

dear space

it feels like every december God takes another person from us
the past month has been one of the worst of my life,
but there is no more space, no more room in my heart for any more sadness.
i feel like i don't deserve a heart
my heart doesn't deserve to go through what i put it through
it doesn't deserve any pain or sadness;
nobody's heart does.
أنا آسفة
everyone will tell you that that's how life is, and that's how things go;
get over it. get over yourself.
but anyone in the same position would feel the same thing.
some things are harder to let go of than others;
just because you let go, doesn't mean you have forgotten.
your smile, your laugh
do not mean you are fine-
it just means your mind and heart are taking breaks.
and what happy breaks they are,
how good it feels to breathe without a stitch in your chest.
but there are no ways to avoid
pain. 
it will follow you, and it will find you
when you are most happy
when you are on your way to recovery
and it will pierce you again,
just like before.
الله أكبر
everything will pass.
there are no ways to avoid pain
but there are ways to ease it.
and there are ways you can ease someone else's pain.
there is no way to judge how valuable a friend can be
a real friend.

في النجوم ، إلى الأبد

dear effect

i had one of the most random days today.
this morning i had MUN at 8am.
now, this is the first time in 3 years that i've decided to be a part of MUN - i blame myself for not joining sooner.
i recently chose to study international relations at a university level and this experience has convinced me more than anything that i've made the right choice.
i really can't describe exactly how much i enjoyed that.

anyway, after MUN i came home.
i spoke to my friend for a couple of hours and i thought; maybe i should cut my hair.
i looked at haircuts online, found one in 2 minutes - half an hour later i watched the hairdresser raise the scissors up to my bangs.
i watched as she absent-mindedly chopped away my hair.
i saw sections of my hair fall into my lap
and i looked at them
i saw the pretty streaks of brown, gold and orange in the chopped pieces
and i thought "what the hell am i doing? why did i suddenly decide to cut my hair? why did i choose to cut so much of it?"
i stared at the pile of hair as it grew and i realised;
i wanted to destroy something beautiful.

recently i've been receiving a lot of compliments about my hair and specifically the colour.
i guess i subconsciously made the decision it was time to destroy it.
people are not defined by their hair, bodies, eyes, legs, or even by how many medals they have, how many certificates they've been awarded or by how many competitions they've won.
compliments aren't a bad thing, that's not what i mean by my statement above.

either way, i'm happy with my decision to cut my hair, and that's that...
but every once in a while i think it's good for people to destroy something.
it's human nature.

dear bed

you are so nice and warm and snuggly!
haha.
i'm sitting in my bed right now and it feels so warm, i love it.
i see why it's tough to get out of bed in the morning.
the worst is when your toes feel cold but the feeling of socks annoys you :O ohmahgad.

anyway, i just wanted to express my gratitude for a few people.
i won't mention them by name, but i'd like to say that...
i'm so lucky to have certain people in my lives!
wala i love you all more than you'll ever know :)

dear katy b (not perry)

amazing.

dear wings

take me far away from here.
even for an hour or so, it would be nice to be somewhere else for awhile.
this is cheesy, but there's this quote from Fight Club which is completely brilliant:
"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"
i think you could.

but for now, i'm in an odd mood.
it's like nothing is going wrong, but nothing it going right.
i have nothing to lose and nothing to gain;
things are basically at a stalemate and i don't know what my reaction should be to that.
it's an issue from within, it's not something that can talked about.
it's something that is what it is, it's nothing more or less.

sometimes you get so fed up of being who you are, you just need to take a break.
but that's not possible, really. unless you plan on being schizophrenic (i'll pass - thanks for the offer).
i wouldn't want to be me right now.

dear katy perry

"do you ever feel
like a plastic bag
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?"
- um, what?
Katy dear, what have you been smoking?
firstly, no I don't usually feel anything like a plastic bag
secondly, I wasn't aware that plastic bags had minds of their own and all of them happen to want to start again...

and wtf?
"boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon."
i'm serious Katy Perry... there's something wrong with the song.
ok, i love the idea of it, but i think your lyrics are horrible.

i'll think of some suitable ones and post them later.

but seriously, what the hell?

in other news:
i dislike people.
especially people who are supposed to be your friends.
i don't feel like elaborating.
but sometimes people can be assholes.

dear future

School.
These days I'm liking you less and less.
Every day I walk into school thinking 'wow, another day stuck in this place.'
Don't get me wrong - I love the people at my school, they're all amazing! My year group is probably one of the best and closest in the whole school.
But sometimes I just think about the things that go around school and wonder, "why the hell am I even here?"
Or, the newest one, "what did I do to deserve this?"

Doesn't it suck when someone deliberately ruins your chances are achieving a decent reference? Hmm? When someone goes up to your Head of Year and just tells them how horrible you are?

Yeah, it SUCKS. Especially since he hasn't even written my reference yet. I don't think he liked me much to begin with anyway. But if he ruins my chances of going to as decent university, I will actually cry.

Look this is the thing:
I want to go to the UK for university - but my father wants me to go to Canada.
Canada is lovely, I've visited for 4 years in a row.
But somehow I can't imagine myself progressing very far outside of Canada once I've completed my qualifications.
Internationally, Canada isn't as highly regarded as the UK.
Forgive me if I'm wrong (except if you're Amina Samy) but that's my opinion.
I didn't even know anything about Canada until I was forced to do research on it.

But hey, whatever. We'll see how it goes... wish me luck.
Lol, it's not like anyone will read this anyway.

dear school

you are weighing me down with work and i don't like it.
i don't know if i can handle you, school. you're annoying me a lot these days!
i have no free time to myself, and you require way too much.
if we were in a relationship, this is the part where i'd dump your sorry ass.
i haven't felt totally exhausted in a long time... today i came home and slept for over 3 hours straight.
exhausted i tell you!
you're such a bitch, and i hate you.
i swear, if your older brother university is just like you, i'm gonna be PISSED OFF.
but i think me and university would get along, since we have common interests; we'd pick a course we both enjoy :)
anyway, i don't like the fact that 4 A-Levels means i should just live on a desk, writing until the end of time.
you know what you need, school?
you need a little room where we can go get massages.
seriously.
ugh.

dear failure

thank you for teaching me how to deal with what's thrown at me.
without failing, i wouldn't know how to keep surviving!
my own personal advice is: if you fail at something then just keep trying over and strive for more :)
if someone shut you down or sidelined you, then prove them wrong.
there's no point in being bitter over things we feel we haven't done well at; if you aren't satisfied then just keep on doing your best.
for (a stupid) example: Richard Branson was a high-school drop out and now look what he has achieved!!
ba-boom-ba-da.

anyway, another thing i wanted to mention was...
writing personal statements is SO HARD.
i have all the information i need - literally ALL of it
i just don't know how to begin it. i don't know how to type it up.
it's all there, it's all set out and some sentences are even formed perfectly, just waiting to be saved onto my laptop.
but no.
i'm stupid.
and i can't think properly.

but i'm just going to keep on trying :) this WILL be done sooner or later!

toodles :)

dear mr. big-shot

if there weren't the average and less-than-average people at the bottom, you would've never been at the top.
just sayin'.

dear you

recently i've been on websites such as givesmehope.com and sixbillionsecrets.com
there are so many stories about people my age and even younger being so depressed and suicidal.
it makes me really upset thinking that people in our own lives could be thinking the exact same thing.
i used to make fun of people who self harm but it's actually something loads of people do.
i used to think it was to get attention by making people feel sorry for you.
no; people who self harm are usually people who hate themselves so much that they try to destroy their own bodies.
i believe we live in a society where people find it so easy to talk badly to other people; whether it's by making fun of them or just plain out bullying them. the beautiful men and women we see on TV and adverts doesn't really help either.
our society doesn't only cause hate; it breeds it.

yuck this topic is making me depressed.

what i meant to say from the beginning is: if you love someone and don't really show it everyday then maybe you should. be kind to people. help someone out.
you don't know if you could be saving a life.

dear life I

the number one priority in our lives is to live.
from before we were created, we fought for the right to exist.
from the day we first started kindergarten, we fought to be the smartest, the quickest and the best.
we strive for more as life goes on, through high-school we become more specialized and work against our peers in order to achieve more.
as we apply for universities we send off our applications knowing that we're fighting for a place against millions of applicants.
life is a never-ending war, and human greed is a never ending factor in our lives.
we breathe, we eat, we drink, we work, we play, we write, we laugh, we love, we cry... but throughout it all we strive for more.
we work for a way forward, acting like the clouds could be within reach if we just stood on our tip-toes, as if happiness could be within reach if we just pushed ourselves a bit further.
but no... we are never content with what we have - and why should we be?
after all, there's more out there that we don't know about... and why can't we have it?
human greed is often seen as a disease or as a spiteful characteristic - but is it?
to be selfish is to think of oneself... but what's the harm in that?
if you spend your life trying not to be selfish then you're not living; you're giving others the chance to seize opportunities that should be yours - opportunities that were MEANT to be yours.
never let someone outshine you and never let someone outsmart you. never believe you will fail just because you've been told you will. never let anyone make decisions for you.
a friend will support your decision no matter what; and a best friend will be loyal to you forever. someone who secretly hopes you fail isn't someone you can call your friend.
as you move on you meet people, and when someone matters you give them everything you can. don't be selfish and don't be selfless. be fair.
the number one priority in life is to live, so do it.

dear god

Dear God,

I am asking you for one thing
And it's something I really need.

Help me get motivated,
Help me get up to speed.

Exams are coming soon,
The nervousness has not set.

My parents think I won't get into anywhere;
Well, that's what they bet!

I'd like to go to UCL,
Or even King's College

I just don't know if I have
That certain special edge.

I have a problem, you see,
I procrastinate all day

The next day I go to class
And I have nothing to say!

It's time to get my act together
But studying is such a bore...

It's almost like as soon as I'm done
I need to study some more!

Alas, 'tis time for me to go
To get an education

Let's begin our lovely studying
And avoid procrastination...

Love, Zeina.